i’ve been to the gym twice this week
i went to the gym twice last week

this is a start

it’s NaNoWriMo time. I have written 19000 words so far. I can’t begin to explain how that feels.

Bought things with high fiber.
Bought celery and cream cheese.
Ordered salad for dinner.
Am going to the gym tomorrow.

NaNoWriMo started on saturday and so far i’ve written almost 6000 words! I love this whole NaNo starting on a weekend thing. It makes my life super happy.

More importantly, my wife and i made it to the gym this morning. We didn’t do a ton, just 35 minutes on recumbent bikes and then some stretching/pilates-esque stuff, but it felt good. It felt like I was moving in the right direction again.

i took a small squash, split it in two, hollowed out the seeds and guts, roasted it @ 400 for 45 minutes.

during the last 5 minutes, i sauteed sliced mushroom and chopped onion together and then added scallops and cooked them all up together.

once i took the squash out of the oven, I added some butter to each squash half and then dropped the mushroom/onion/scallop mixture together.

it was super tasty and filling. in the end, i only ate a half of my half and i have enough for another meal. yay. i think it maybe needs some cheese this time around, because that would make it extra decadent.

Things that made me happy today:
hanging out with a friend and watching trashy movies
getting an email telling me to check out As The World Turns
the boys kissing after 200+ days of not kissing! and they were adorable!
having someone I totally fangirl after compliment my writing
good BG numbers, even on my non-gym day
excellent snuggles with my wifey (maybe that was my aerobic exercise for the day)
hearing from people that i’m not alone in how i’m feeling

I am not happy with myself re: my diabetes, but life goes forward and the only thing i can do is get myself back on the horse and discuss with my therapist about how not taking care of myself, while not actively wanting to commit suicide, is, in the end, me setting myself on a path toward very bad things in my future.

i dug out my exercise wear. i bought a ton of good food to make myself a stir fry i can bring to school for the week. I ate reasonably well @ the labor day picnic i went to today. I find it so much easier to organize my life when it is not the summer. i have to work on that. same thing happened last summer.

how is everyone? i have three months of journals to catch up on. three months! i hope you are all well.

“All I want to do is go to Europe, Marry Christian Slater, and die. That may not sound great to a scone head like you, but I think it’s swell.”

Okay, that is so not the right words, or, i mean, it is but it’s a paraphrase. I think i got some of them screwed up.

The truth is that all I want is a bacon mushroom swiss burger, fries, and a chocolate shake.

I’m not having those things, but that’s what I want.

Thank you. Please drive through.

i vanished. but i’m still alive, i promise. i’ve been slipping some lately, but i love how even when i slip, it’s still nothing compared to what it might have been.

i went to the drive-in last night for a double feature of indiana jones followed by iron man. there i slipped. i just, god, i just wanted everything bad for me in the world. It’s funny how those places that you don’t go to often, but sometimes, really just keep you in a strange headspace. Because the thing is, when i think about it, no, not really, i didn’t really want all that junk food. i just expected it. And so *then* i wanted it, because i used to eat it.

reunion was last weekend - my ten year college reunion that is - and i spent a great deal of time with my friends discussing things we thought we had a right to/deserved during college. where that comes from? why we feel that way? what encourages and discourages that feeling. It stirred up a lot in my head, but i’m not really ready to discuss it yet.

in other news - my students taking the MCAS is bad for my eating habits. they’re stress makes me stressed plus i have to sit in a room quietly while they test. and not move. at all. it is the ickiness.

in other nother news - i want to do nothing all day but sit around and write fanfic. what does this say about me?

I got the okay from my doctor to get tattoos on my feet, but shortly before my doctor’s appt, I slipped and wiped out and scratched up the top of my right foot. I had the most prettiest bruise ever. Technicolor and just, wow!

Then yesterday i was jumping rope with my students and I went to jump in and I totally wiped out. My left leg is scraped to hell as is the top of my left foot.

So now, I’m feeling clumsy, but more than that, even with clearance, I’m thinking maybe tattoos on my feet aren’t the way to go. So I’m back to thinking my arms. But I’m not sure about how they’ll change while I continue to change. Which then gets me thinking about my body changing. And then I get all screwed up in the head.

It’s a bad cycle right now. I have to pull myself out of it. But, I did post something instead of just running away. That might be the first good step toward … something?

1. I burn more calories on the elliptical if i believe it’s calorie thing.
2. I have better blood sugar levels if i use the treadmill with a high incline but slower
3. I burn fewer calories on the treadmill

which leads to the question:
which is better, if I am fat? More calories, or lower numbers? Do more calories = ultimately more weight loss = ultimately better numbers, or day by day better numbers = better thing?

so confused.

in other news, alprazolam @ night = better morning numbers. dreams = anxiety, apparently.

Zaz has sent the rain to massachusetts.