“All I want to do is go to Europe, Marry Christian Slater, and die. That may not sound great to a scone head like you, but I think it’s swell.”

Okay, that is so not the right words, or, i mean, it is but it’s a paraphrase. I think i got some of them screwed up.

The truth is that all I want is a bacon mushroom swiss burger, fries, and a chocolate shake.

I’m not having those things, but that’s what I want.

Thank you. Please drive through.

i vanished. but i’m still alive, i promise. i’ve been slipping some lately, but i love how even when i slip, it’s still nothing compared to what it might have been.

i went to the drive-in last night for a double feature of indiana jones followed by iron man. there i slipped. i just, god, i just wanted everything bad for me in the world. It’s funny how those places that you don’t go to often, but sometimes, really just keep you in a strange headspace. Because the thing is, when i think about it, no, not really, i didn’t really want all that junk food. i just expected it. And so *then* i wanted it, because i used to eat it.

reunion was last weekend - my ten year college reunion that is - and i spent a great deal of time with my friends discussing things we thought we had a right to/deserved during college. where that comes from? why we feel that way? what encourages and discourages that feeling. It stirred up a lot in my head, but i’m not really ready to discuss it yet.

in other news - my students taking the MCAS is bad for my eating habits. they’re stress makes me stressed plus i have to sit in a room quietly while they test. and not move. at all. it is the ickiness.

in other nother news - i want to do nothing all day but sit around and write fanfic. what does this say about me?

I got the okay from my doctor to get tattoos on my feet, but shortly before my doctor’s appt, I slipped and wiped out and scratched up the top of my right foot. I had the most prettiest bruise ever. Technicolor and just, wow!

Then yesterday i was jumping rope with my students and I went to jump in and I totally wiped out. My left leg is scraped to hell as is the top of my left foot.

So now, I’m feeling clumsy, but more than that, even with clearance, I’m thinking maybe tattoos on my feet aren’t the way to go. So I’m back to thinking my arms. But I’m not sure about how they’ll change while I continue to change. Which then gets me thinking about my body changing. And then I get all screwed up in the head.

It’s a bad cycle right now. I have to pull myself out of it. But, I did post something instead of just running away. That might be the first good step toward … something?

1. I burn more calories on the elliptical if i believe it’s calorie thing.
2. I have better blood sugar levels if i use the treadmill with a high incline but slower
3. I burn fewer calories on the treadmill

which leads to the question:
which is better, if I am fat? More calories, or lower numbers? Do more calories = ultimately more weight loss = ultimately better numbers, or day by day better numbers = better thing?

so confused.

in other news, alprazolam @ night = better morning numbers. dreams = anxiety, apparently.

Zaz has sent the rain to massachusetts.

So the funniest thing happened today @ lunch.

I don’t know where y’all live, but i live in western massachusetts. this means i live near this chain of restaurants called Friendly’s. They’re all up and down the East coast, but I don’t know if they go anywhere else. Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is that there food is just comfort american food and delicious ice cream. (Hi Kerri, the ice cream craving is so all your fault!) The thing you should know about Friendly’s however, is that there service is notoriously not as good as their ice cream. Some restaurants have actually become a joke to my friends and me. “I’m hungry.” “Oooh, let’s go to the Northampton Friendly’s” “Great, I can grow old and die before we eat. Sweet.” (Etc. etc. you get the drift.)

So this is what happened today. Now, first off, we were at a Friendly’s with decent (which is relative) service. The people are always nice, but it’s always understaffed. Normally we can forgive them. However, we were next to the family of insanity. Seriously, they were talking about these kids on their children’s sports teams (i think) named Casey, Kyra, Enya, and Eliza, and someone called someone LoveyLoo. Enya, folks, who names their kid Enya right now and doesn’t think that kid is going to shoot them some day? (Whoops, sorry, again not the point.)

The real point would be was that as the waitress came to take our order, I was curious about what my reading was, in that whole need for ice cream thing and all, and so there was blood and beeping and all was well, and no one freaked out, but my god, we got the best service Ever. Ever EVER. Like, the best service in the whole history of evers. It was nuts.

So is the secret to speedy service to test your BG at a restaurant while your waitstaff is taking your drink order or was this a one time dealio? I know that other OC people have mentioned having bad experiences while testing at food establishments, but that seemed to be more from patrons than staff.

Anyway, too entertained by this, and thought the only peeps who would truly understand that would be you all.

Things that made me happy today:
hanging out with a friend and watching trashy movies
getting an email telling me to check out As The World Turns
the boys kissing after 200+ days of not kissing! and they were adorable!
having someone I totally fangirl after compliment my writing
good BG numbers, even on my non-gym day
excellent snuggles with my wifey (maybe that was my aerobic exercise for the day)
hearing from people that i’m not alone in how i’m feeling

Things going on in my life right now.

1. I am wearing the most ridiculous pink sundress ever. I picked it up in the kids section of target. (and that doesn’t mean i’m that thin - it means i’m that short.) i’m not brave enough to wear it out of the house yet, but some day i will. actually, i bought it in white also, and so i’ll be wearing that in May for reunion.

2. I bought new sneakers. I was going to come back to posting here triumphantly when that happened, but I was still too busy beating myself up. My new sneakers are adorable. They’re Nikes. I love them. They’re white and hot pink. (notice a color trend?) The other trend is this: I went to Lady Footlocker and was looking for sneakers. They laughed at me! Actively laughed at me! and then told me I had to go down a couple doors. I could not figure out why until they explained that Kids Footlocker was there. Lady Footlocker apparently starts at a 6 or a 6.5. My teensy feet were not going to be doing business there. But the Kids Footlocker people were awesome! I explained that I needed sneakers, but I was fat and worried about how much abuse kids sneakers could take, because most kids weren’t 200lbs. So there I was, shopping in the little kids section, and let me tell you - when you’re 32 and shopping in a section labeled “Preschool, 1 - 2″ it gives you a whole new sense of how small your feet are.

3. In March, my doctor told me that my a1c has been in good control, and I had her blessing to go and get my feet tattooed. Now, for me to get this done, I need to stay under 200lbs for at least 2 weeks. And since my triumphant post about being under 200, I’d gone up. Not a huge amount, but up, and I’d been struggling to get back down. In the last week or so, i’ve finally been getting things under control again. I think I’ll be back where I want to be by the end of the month. So maybe by reunion, when i bust out the ridiculous white dress, i will also bust out a shiny ganesha tattoo.

4. Therapy. I’ve gone back to therapy. I think that’s a good sign. Another indicator that I’m taking care of me. I have therapy today. We talked about my family last time we met. I have decisions i need to make. Issues I need to deal with. And let me just say, figuring out what to do with myself in therapy makes dealing with having diabetes look like a walk in the park.

5. Speaking of walks in the park, can I just stand on my soap box for a second. I know that I struggle with feeling excluded. I have all my life. It’s a big trigger for me. I know that. I get it. That being said, I’m not a bad person because I have type 2 diabetes. And, while yes, oral medication and various other things can help me, and I’m grateful every day for what I have, you can’t cure type 2 diabetes. you can’t cure diabetes. so, regardless of whether i control my diabetes with diet and exercise or whatever, guess what, it’s not going away. I’m not going to wake up at 33 all of a sudden and be cured. Thanks. Just thought you should know.

6. I had something else. Something good to say. I forget what it was. Maybe just that it’s Spring! It’s sunny and cheery and I’m on vacation and this is going to be okay. i’m going to be okay. we’re all going to be okay, if nothing else, because we have each other.

bulleted list minus the bullets because i’m doing a drive by.

I have become addicted to the show supernatural. painfully addicted. i love it.
I have been writing fanfic, because i am a big dork.
I have officially gone stark raving mad, and I pitched my book to an agent at a conference a weekend ago. She asked for the prologue + first three. This will probably all end in a rejection, but I fucking did it! I’m so proud.

I had a doctor’s appointment at the beginning of the month. My a1c is still good - 5.4 - but that’s up, and so is my weight, from the last time.
I’ve been slipping with my eating and my exercising. Actually, my exercise has been improving thanks to friends going to the gym with me, but my eating … yeah … it hasn’t been so hot. I’ve been making mad eating choices and instead of giving in once and knowing that’s what i’ve been doing, i’ve been rationalizing it far too often.

I need some friends out here who are also struggling with being t2, i think. maybe i need to find a support group or something? I need people who will struggle with eating, share recipes, do all of those things with me. Right now, for whatever reason, I can’t do it myself right now.

Motivation kinda has to come from within me, and it hasn’t been working. It’s April break, so I have some hope that I can get my shit together.

it’s interesting because around the same time as I fell off the wagon, or whatever, i stopped posting, stopped reading, stopped doing a lot of things. i’m not so good at asking for help. i’m not good at admitting i’m struggling. too much pride, not enough humility, or something like that.

Anyway, that’s where I am. Thank you so much Zazzy for reminding me that there are people who notice. *hugs*

1. I am not dead.
2. My hosting is all kinds of screwed up.
3. I have 3+ weeks of posts from other people to read
4. Please do not give up on me having abandoned you, because I miss you terribly.

Big Girl (You Are Beautiful) - Mika

Walks into the room
Feels like a big balloon
I said, ‘Hey girls you are beautiful’

Diet coke and a pizza please
Diet coke I’m on my knees
Screaming ‘Big girls you are beautiful’

You take your skinny girl
Feel like I’m gonna die
‘Cause a real woman
Needs a real man here’s why

You take your girl
And multiply her by four
Now a whole lot of woman
Needs a whole lot more

Get yourself to the Butterfly Lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy come on around
And they’ll be calling you baby

No need to fantasize
Since I was in my braces
A watering hole
With the girls around
And curves in all the right places

Big girls you are beautiful
Big girls you are beautiful
Big girls you are beautiful
Big girls you are beautiful

Walks in to the room
Feels like a big balloon
I said, ‘Hey girls you are beautiful’

Diet coke and a pizza please
Diet coke I’m on my knees
Screaming ‘Big girls you are beautiful’

You take your girl
And multiply her by four
Now a whole lot of woman
Needs a whole lot more

Get yourself to the Butterfly Lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy come on around
And they’ll be calling you baby

No need to fantasize
Since I was in my braces
A watering hole
With the girls around
And curves in all the right places

Big girls you are beautiful
Big girls you are beautiful
Big girls you are beautiful
Big girls you are beautiful

Get yourself to the Butterfly Lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy come on around
And they’ll be calling you baby

No need to fantasize
Since I was in my braces
A watering hole
With the girls around
And curves in all the right places

Big girls you are beautiful
Big girls you are beautiful
Big girls you are beautiful
Big girls you are beautiful
Oh you are beautiful

Get yourself to the Butterfly Lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy come on around
And they’ll be calling you baby

No need to fantasize
Since I was in my braces
A watering the hole
With the girls around
And curves in all the right places

Big girls you are beautiful
Big girls you are beautiful
Big girls you are beautiful
Big girls you are beautiful
Big girls you are beautiful